This is only my third post since Colin Baker took over as the Doctor, and I'm already starting to run out of adjectives to describe just how poorly written and produced his stories are. I mean, goodness, The Two Doctors is a bit of a mess, isn't it? It's not quite as bad as Attack of the Cybermen or The Twin Dilemma, but it's definitely lurking in that general region.
This story fails in numerous ways, but probably its biggest failure is in its abysmal direction and pacing. It might have just been me, but I felt like this story hardly moved, not a good thing to say about your longest story of the season. Well, things did move, but they didn't seem noteworthy; for example, there's quite a bit of running through Seville that took up a chunk of time, and the Second Doctor had that long exposition scene with the guy dressed like Elton John, but it wasn't interesting at all, was it? You could have taken out one third or even one half of this story, and still kept the basic narrative intact.
Another disappointing element about this story is that it is severely lacking in two Doctorness. The whole point of bringing multiple Doctors together is to have them working together, one-upping each other, and having them have the interesting sort of dialogue one would have if one could talk to oneself at a later date and time. The two Doctors hardly get a sniff of each other!! I don't think they meet at all in the first two episodes (ninety minutes of screen-time. Ninety minutes!! That's a whole movie worth of screen-time.), and they hardly talk to each other in the third. The Second Doctor tells his sixth counterpart before he departs in the TARDIS, "Do try to keep out of my way in future and past, there's a good fellow. The time continuum should be big enough for the both of us. Just." What!? We watched two hours of you on the same planet at the same time, and you both danced around each other the whole time! Something tells me you're NEVER gonna get in each other's way.
This story fails in numerous ways, but probably its biggest failure is in its abysmal direction and pacing. It might have just been me, but I felt like this story hardly moved, not a good thing to say about your longest story of the season. Well, things did move, but they didn't seem noteworthy; for example, there's quite a bit of running through Seville that took up a chunk of time, and the Second Doctor had that long exposition scene with the guy dressed like Elton John, but it wasn't interesting at all, was it? You could have taken out one third or even one half of this story, and still kept the basic narrative intact.
Another disappointing element about this story is that it is severely lacking in two Doctorness. The whole point of bringing multiple Doctors together is to have them working together, one-upping each other, and having them have the interesting sort of dialogue one would have if one could talk to oneself at a later date and time. The two Doctors hardly get a sniff of each other!! I don't think they meet at all in the first two episodes (ninety minutes of screen-time. Ninety minutes!! That's a whole movie worth of screen-time.), and they hardly talk to each other in the third. The Second Doctor tells his sixth counterpart before he departs in the TARDIS, "Do try to keep out of my way in future and past, there's a good fellow. The time continuum should be big enough for the both of us. Just." What!? We watched two hours of you on the same planet at the same time, and you both danced around each other the whole time! Something tells me you're NEVER gonna get in each other's way.
Okay, so let's now move onto the writing. Robert Holmes is considered Doctor Who's greatest writer ever, but he really screws this story up. I've already mentioned how the pacing and direction of the script is completely unengaging. Well, I've got more bad news for you; the content isn't all that appealing either. If you couldn't tell from watching this story, Mr. Holmes is a bit of a vegetarian, and he makes it a point to let the audience know that if you eat meat you are probably a raw rat-eating, blood-lapping, lustful cannibal, as embodied by the somewhat one-dimensional character Shockeye (more on him later). I don't mind narratives with morals, and I agree with the principle that humans shouldn't be unduly cruel to animals, but was it really necessary to be so blunt in one's personal beliefs, a belief that approximately 95% of the world does not adhere to? The vegetarian theme is not a subtle one, and is blatantly in the viewer's face almost entirely throughout the serial. To make matters worse, Shockeye is then laid to rest near the end of the third episode when Colin Baker violently suffocates him with cyanide gas! As one writer puts it, "it's like trying to warn about the dangers of pornography in a sexually explicit film." Will the audience really hold onto the message that killing and eating animals is wrong and unhealthy when the main character, usually a fiercely moral hero, unnecessarily snuffs out a baddie by coldly suffocating him? Hmmm, food for thought, Mr. Holmes.
The characters are unimaginative and poorly communicated. Although Patrick Troughton and Frazier Hines are always a welcome sight on the show, they are horribly misused. The Second Doctor is hardly seen, and if he is, he is either unconscious or part Androgum. While as an Androgum it is clear Troughton is having the time of his life, it is obviously not what people want to see when they see the title The Two Doctors. We want to see the Doctor not some orange-eyebrowed lunatic! We hardly ever see the Second Doctor in his natural element. To a lesser extent, this is same for Frazier Hines, who plays James McCrimmon. He does stab a Sontaron at one point, and he has some decent interaction with Peri, but the writing team hardly gives him anything to do other than that. Most of the time he is just twiddling his thumbs while other people do the talking. What's the point of inviting important guest stars to return to your show and having the longest story of the season if you don't give them anything to do? This story has massive amounts of potential for action, but yet hardly anything happens. Colin Baker and Nicola Bryant put in decent shifts as the Sixth Doctor and Peri, but as mentioned Baker does have a few rather grisly violent scenes (the Sixth Doctor doing violent things? I don't believe it). Peri fulfills her role as eye candy adequately, of course.
The guest cast is equally unimpressive. Dastari is an indecisive mad scientist who dresses like Elton John. Shockeye is somewhat interesting, but he is a little too one-dimensional to be considered anything else than boring after a few scenes, and downright annoying near the end. And then there is Oscar and Anita, possibly the most pointless and useless characters seen on Doctor Who for a very, very, very long time. What are they doing in this story? If you have a clue, please let me know because I am dying to find out what it is. We first see them together out moth hunting near the mansion where Dastari and the Sontarons are setting up shop. Upon seeing the TARDIS and Colin Baker, who is dressed as seen in the picture on the right, Peri, who is dressed in one of her usual low-cut tops, and Jamie, who is dressed in a kilt, they immediately assume they are police officers. Wait, a giant blue box appears with the word "police" on it (by the way remember this mansion is out in the middle of nowhere), three weirdos leap out, and you assume they are police officers?! Does Nicola Bryant look anything remotely like a police office to you? In that uniform? Of course, Oscar and Anita promptly provide the Doctor information concerning the house and the area upon questioning. He's obviously a police officer, right?
As well as enjoying the occasional moth hunting expedition, Oscar and Anita also run a restaurant in the city of Seville, the same restaurant that Shockeye and the Second Doctor just happen to choose to eat at. Huh? This scene was so much later than the delightful moth hunting scene and they already had appeared so pointless, I almost couldn't believe they were back in the story, and in such an unrealistic manner. Shockeye refuses to pay his bill after his meal, and of course, stabs Oscar when he blocks his path. What results is one of the most bizarre death scenes in Doctor Who history. Start the video down below at around the 10:40 mark.
As well as enjoying the occasional moth hunting expedition, Oscar and Anita also run a restaurant in the city of Seville, the same restaurant that Shockeye and the Second Doctor just happen to choose to eat at. Huh? This scene was so much later than the delightful moth hunting scene and they already had appeared so pointless, I almost couldn't believe they were back in the story, and in such an unrealistic manner. Shockeye refuses to pay his bill after his meal, and of course, stabs Oscar when he blocks his path. What results is one of the most bizarre death scenes in Doctor Who history. Start the video down below at around the 10:40 mark.
We hardly knew anything about this character, and we didn't care about him. So why did the writers feel obligated to off him for no particular reason other than shock value? Or is it played for laughs? I sincerely can't tell. The dying scene itself is puzzling; Oscar takes several steps forward standing perfectly erect as if he is only mildly wounded (as opposed to if he were seriously wounded, he would be hunched over or collapse soon after the blow was dealt), and indeed there is little blood. When the Doctor shows up Oscar seems quite happy to talk, and his voice is quite strong; not what one is likely to do when one is on one's deathbed. He even makes a joke about people tipping. Then he keels over and dies. Colin ends the strange affair by saying, "Good night, sweet prince." What, in the name of all that is decent, is going on here?
In the official rankings, The Two Doctors is ranked at 125th out of 200. That is a joke. The 170 or 180 range is probably more accurate. Just because you film outside the UK, and just because you have a multi-doctor story does not mean your story is going to be a success, and The Two Doctors is very, very good proof of that.
Additional Note:
-I'm not sure I buy into the Second Doctor going around doing missions on behalf of the Time Lords. Yes, I know the Doctor has done things the Time Lords have asked him to do from time to time, but that is because he himself felt personally invested in the matter or he was thrust into it to such an extent that he had no choice but resolve the issue. He has never for the sakes of the Time Lords run about doing errands for them, and he has never done things solely on their behalf.
- As in Arc of Infinity, we get a bit of a "let's film outside the United Kingdom because I think it would be fun" mentality. Yes, I know City of Death was an amazing success, but the difference is being in Paris was ACTUALLY related to the plot (the count was trying to steal the Mona Lisa, which is in the Louvre in Paris). It's like the writers believe their serial will somehow be a success if only they film in a foreign location based off what happened with City of Death. Uh, no it doesn't work that way, you actually have to have a good story first, then the foreign location. Being in Seville is distracting, because we keep thinking it will be significant to the plot somehow, and it's not. And by the way, they didn't film the city that much anyway, did they? It doesn't seem like they got much benefit out of filming in Seville, and they probably just racked up expenses going there.
-The Sontarons are rubbish in the story too. Aren't they supposed to be a clone race? The Sontarons in the story look to be over six feet tall, which doesn't jive with the other Sontarons we've seen in previous stories. Continuity error, perhaps?
-Why does the Second Doctor becoming part Androgum effect the Sixth Doctor? I'm not sure if this concept makes sense. The writers told us it would wear off shortly so the Sixth Doctor actually becoming an Androgum isn't a credible threat, or something for the audience to be scared about. Is it for laughs?
In the official rankings, The Two Doctors is ranked at 125th out of 200. That is a joke. The 170 or 180 range is probably more accurate. Just because you film outside the UK, and just because you have a multi-doctor story does not mean your story is going to be a success, and The Two Doctors is very, very good proof of that.
Additional Note:
-I'm not sure I buy into the Second Doctor going around doing missions on behalf of the Time Lords. Yes, I know the Doctor has done things the Time Lords have asked him to do from time to time, but that is because he himself felt personally invested in the matter or he was thrust into it to such an extent that he had no choice but resolve the issue. He has never for the sakes of the Time Lords run about doing errands for them, and he has never done things solely on their behalf.
- As in Arc of Infinity, we get a bit of a "let's film outside the United Kingdom because I think it would be fun" mentality. Yes, I know City of Death was an amazing success, but the difference is being in Paris was ACTUALLY related to the plot (the count was trying to steal the Mona Lisa, which is in the Louvre in Paris). It's like the writers believe their serial will somehow be a success if only they film in a foreign location based off what happened with City of Death. Uh, no it doesn't work that way, you actually have to have a good story first, then the foreign location. Being in Seville is distracting, because we keep thinking it will be significant to the plot somehow, and it's not. And by the way, they didn't film the city that much anyway, did they? It doesn't seem like they got much benefit out of filming in Seville, and they probably just racked up expenses going there.
-The Sontarons are rubbish in the story too. Aren't they supposed to be a clone race? The Sontarons in the story look to be over six feet tall, which doesn't jive with the other Sontarons we've seen in previous stories. Continuity error, perhaps?
-Why does the Second Doctor becoming part Androgum effect the Sixth Doctor? I'm not sure if this concept makes sense. The writers told us it would wear off shortly so the Sixth Doctor actually becoming an Androgum isn't a credible threat, or something for the audience to be scared about. Is it for laughs?